A “Self” Centered Divorce

The common advice is to make our divorce “child centered.” They should be the priority. I understand the desire to protect the children, but the reasoning is flawed. Why?

First, it perpetuates self-abandonment “for the sake of the children” that mothers are already plagued with. Mothers are going into divorce carrying the mental and emotional load of the family. This increases exponentially during the divorce. Then layer that with “put the children first” and all we hear is “you don’t matter.”

Second, the implication is that we can’t possibly trust ourselves to show up for our kids if we’re focused on ourselves. WHAT?! When we became mothers, our DNA and physiology was permanently changed (no really, google it). We are literally hard wired with motherhood. When we prioritize our own experience and self care during divorce, we make space to show up as the best moms we can be.

Third, we can’t “put the children” at the center of OUR experience. We can’t really know what it’s like to be in their shoes, but we’re told we should focus on that. This can create over functioning, trying to control their emotions (impossible), and more self-abandonment.

Fourth, it assumes that our interests are not aligned with our children’s. As if without them in the picture it would be in our best interest to fight it out. Nope. What’s best for our kids is always aligned with what’s best for us. We may have to coach through that, but I promise that it’s true.

It’s ok to focus on you in this process. The truth is a Self centered divorce is the only one available to us.

Click here to do it together.

xo,

Meagan